I. Will. Be. Perfect

jazza_flower @ 2010-04-20T22:13:00

2009-12-21T22:13:49Z

So... Today went badlyyy
I had:

Omlette with tomato, licorice chicken pasta and cheese just a lot of crap.

Cranberry juice only tomorrow :) and salt water flush in the evening is what I'm thinking :)

jasmine@finer.org.uk
Email me :)

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jazza_flower @ 2009-12-19T23:00:00

2009-12-19T22:59:38Z

I want to loose 20lbs be honest...brutally so... About what you see

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Photos

2009-12-19T22:28:55Z

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

jazza_flower @ 2009-05-28T12:24:00

2009-05-28T11:28:40Z

For anyone who's tried CLA... is it any good?

I was also wondering if Apple Cider Vinegar capsules did anything.

I REALLY need to loose 20lb by the 24th of June
or at least 15

also anyone who has tried femmeherb/adios max or fat metaboliser...
are any of those worth getting?

thanks x

jazza_flower @ 2009-05-22T17:12:00

2009-05-22T16:14:48Z

so i'm liquid fasting =)

but i sorta failed cause i had half a potato
but that's cause my mom made me =(

other than that i've had:

fruit smoothie thing i made with a peach, a plum and some grapes
tea (no milk, sugar)
green tea
vegetable stock
diet coke
sugar free chewing gum
half a boiled potato =(

hopefully i can be 100lbs by june 24th

but if not as long as i'm 110 or lower i can see my ex in my bathing suit =D

jazza_flower @ 2009-05-16T19:10:00

2009-05-16T18:21:10Z

I was locked all day, in the summer heat. In a small brown house, in suburban street. With a skateboard and my shit guitar I’d dream all day that they would get me far. My dad would ask me about my grades, the asshole sports that I never played. And then I’d ask about the girls he’d date behind our backs when mom would stay up late. And it was near when I turned 16, got kicked out of school and so it seemed that things were closing in and ready to blow. My dad moved out about that year or so

It took an hour to start a punk rock band to offset my fucked up family land and as I held my mom would start to cry. I swore ourselves a better life If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing, it’s made me all of who I am inside. And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive. And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie, the whole wide world is mine.

The summers gone, the years have past my friends have changed, a few did last. The smallest dreams got pushed aside for the largest ones that changed my life. And all I wish for has come to pass, from rock n roll to love and cash. It’s all success if its what you need. Do what you like and do it honestly. If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing, it’s made me all of who I am inside. And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive. And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie, the whole wide world is mine.

If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing, it’s made me all of who I am inside. And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive. And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie, the whole wide world is mine.

And the whole wide world is mine.

This song is one that explains my life. COMPLETELY.
But replace the music with acting.

Why I love to act
Basically, it gives me time to be someone else. For a moment I can pretend that I don't have a problem with eating, that my family is fine and that I don't wish everyday that I was someone else. If I didn't have acting, I wouldn't be able to cope at home. I go into my class and for two hours, I am someone else... even if they have their own problems, the problems aren't my problems. When I act... I become the character I'm playing and Jasmine Finer does not exist... for that moment when I don't exist... I am truly and utterly happy.

It sounds soo corny now I write it out.
But Honest-To-God it's true.

Alsooo
NO ONE COMMENTS ON MY POSTS
it makes mee saaaaad =(
xxxxx

jazza_flower @ 2009-05-16T18:33:00

2009-05-16T17:57:09Z

tomorrow:
- green tea x 2 (0)
- rice cake (23)

- vegetable soup (vegetable stock with celery and spring onions)(43)
- rice cake (23)

- 1/2 can Heinz Tomato Soup (86)
-rice cake (23)

=)x

hello.

2009-05-13T16:49:35Z

[x] anorexia
[x] binge eating
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

people -
[] ask if i’m bulimic
[x as a joke, but it's secretly motivating for me.] call me fat
[x] say i’m skinny
[] say i’m ugly
[x] say i’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say i eat too much
[] wish i’d eat more
[x] don't know i'm anorexic/bulimic

i wish -
[x] i was thin
[x] i had a better body
[x] i didn't have to eat
[x] i could control myself
[x] i was under 100lbs
[x] i could avoid food
[x] i could hide what i am
[x] i wasn’t fat
[x] i was pretty
[] i could stop being ana/mia

i love -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

appearance
[] i am shorter than 5'4.
[x] i think i'm ugly sometimes.
[xxx] i have many scars.
[] i tan easily.
[x] i wish my hair was a different color.
[x] i have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] i have a tattoo.
[xxx] i am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] i have/had braces.
[x i should.] i wear glasses.
[x] i would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] i've been told i'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] i have more than 2 piercings.
[x] i have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] i have freckles.

family
[x] i've sworn at my parents.
[] i've run away from home.
[] i've been kicked out of the house.
[x] my biological parents are together.
[] i have a sibling less than one year old.
[] i want to have kids someday.
[] i've had children.
[] i've lost a child.

embarrassment
[x] i've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] disney movies still make me cry.
[] i've peed from laughing.
[x] i've snorted while laughing.
[x] i've laughed so hard i've cried.
[x] i've glued my hand to something
[x] i've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] i've had my trousers rip in public.

relationships
[x] i'm single
[] i'm in a relationship.
[] i'm engaged.
[] i'm married.
[] i've gone on a blind date.
[] i've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] i miss someone right now.
[x] i have a fear of abandonment.
[] i've cheated in a relationship.
[] i've gotten divorced
[x] i've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] i've told someone i loved them when i didn't.
[] i've told someone i didn't love them when i did.
[x] i've kept something from a past relationship.

sexuality
[] i've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] i've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] i am a cuddler.
[x] i've been kissed in the rain.
[] i've hugged a stranger.
[] i have kissed a stranger.

honesty
[x] i've done something i promised someone else i wouldn't
[x] i've done something i promised myself i wouldn't.
[] i've snuck out of my house.
[x] i have lied to my parents about where i am.
[x] i am keeping a secret from the world
[x] i've cheated while playing a game.
[x] i've cheated on a test.
[] i've been suspended from school.

bad times
[x] i've consumed alcohol.
[] i regularly drink.
[] i can't swallow pills.
[x] i can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] i have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] i shut others out when i'm upset.
[] i should be, but they're just thrown in the cabinet] i take anti-depressants.
[x] i'm anorexic or bulimic or have ednos.
[x] i've slept an entire day when i didn't need it.
[x] i've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] i'm addicted to self harm.
[x] i've woken up crying

[x] i've lost weight
[x] i've gained weight
[x] my weight holds me back
[x] weight consumes me.

[] i'm at my thinnest
[] i'm at my biggest
[] i've lost weight and kept it off
[x] i've lost weight but gained it back
[x] my weight affects my mood
[] i weigh myself daily

[x] i am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] i thrive on compliments
[x] i feel bigger than people who are my size
[] i feel happy when i'm hungry
[x] i get depressed after i eat - if i ate too much or something unhealthy
[x] i've skipped a meal
[x] i've thrown food away
[x] i've spit food out
[x] i've fasted
[] i've taken diet pills
[] i've used laxatives
[x] i've purged

have/had
[] bulimia
[x] anorexia
[] ednos
[] orthorexia
[] over-exercising
[] binge eating

[x] i exercise
[x] i exercise so i can eat
[] i work out secretly
[x] i work out daily
[x] i exercise to counteract eating
[] i've fainted from exhaustion

i've done:
[] weed
[x] cigarettes
[x] alcohol
[] diet pills
[x] pain killers
[] anti-depressants
[] ecstasy
[] lsd
[] mushrooms
[] speed
[] cocaine
[] other

[x] i keep my eating habits a secret
[x] i have an ed blog
[x] i look at thinspo
[] i collect thinspo
[x] i condone pro-ana/mia sites

[x] i count calories
[x] i've had negative intake days
[x] i avoid food
[x] i hate food
[] i love food

[] i want to be this way
[x] i don't want to be like this
[x] i wish i could have more control
[x] being thin is my top priority
[x] i don't want to get better
[] i am in treatment

[x] i'm doing this for me
[] i'm doing this for someone
[x] i'm doing this to prove myself

I'm addicted....

2009-05-13T13:38:39Z

jazza_flower @ 2009-05-12T17:33:00

2009-05-12T16:40:07Z

Tomorrow:

Calorie limit: 500

Breakfast:
- green tea
- 1/2 apple

Lunch:
- Chicken broth
- Celery

Dinner:
- left over fish =)

Gym for 2 hrs
I hr training

Cross trainer for 25 minutes
Bicycle machine for 25 minutes
sit ups for ten minutes
=)

xD
that's under 500 cals in all i think
but still....
its better to be too little than too big.

ENOUGH WITH THE FATTTTTTT
i can squidge it and it rolls
it makes me wanna barf X(

stay strong ♥

jazza_flower @ 2009-05-10T14:19:00

2009-05-10T13:22:24Z

http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php

This site is cool =)
according to this i'll be at GW1 in just over 1 week and UGW in like 1 month =D

this is if i am very active and work out 6-7 times per week
which shouldn't be too hard
and keep my calorie intake at under 500 per day.

=)
wish me luck

love love love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

acting acting acting

2009-05-09T14:15:14Z

I have a reason to be happy. For once.
So I'm not letting this awesome feeling go.

Today, in my drama class, I did this scene where I have to shout the line "She's a fucking lunatic" in this other girls face. And its soo like intense.

First of all
you have to get that I am soooooo shy.
And I did it!
Totally =D

and my teacher said that I was good
and that I finally understood what she was talking about.

AHhhhh

liquid fast today =D
I've had
-soup
-tea
-tiny cup of hot chocolate :S
-celery (which is not a liquid... but its like 2 calories =)

And I have a ballet class in an hour
So i should work off the hot chocolate at least

also
i was craving a bagel
but i spat out each bit into the sink
but after
i felt as though I had eaten the whole bagel =D

So i figure that at least once each meal with my parents, I can take like a big big biite of food and then elave and say that i need too pee and then spit it out

that should reduce the ammount i eat

=D

Please comment =)
I feel oh so lonely
and no one talks to me

stay strong think thin =D

Diary for today =(

2009-05-07T18:56:19Z

I've gone even more over cause i had to eat dinner =(

Total today was 643 calories
According to the Daily Plate, I burned 291 calories from walking and playing the piano...
but still =(
the net calories is 352...
I like to round things up
so 400
which is 100 over my limit for the day
god help me =(

Food Diary for 8th May 2009
Total number of calories allowed: 400 200 calories
(punishment for going over is 100 less than it says)

Breakfast:
- 2 cups black tea & lemon (2 cals)
- 3 grapes (9 cals)
Lunch: --
Dinner:
-1/2 can Heinz cream of tomato soup (86 cals)
Snacks:
- tall coffee light frappuccino (91 cals)

i can do this i can do this i can do this

=(

2009-05-07T18:03:08Z

Today
I caved

Only a bit.. but STILL
And then... I had an iced coffee at Starbucks
And when I looked up the calories online, it said that a grande freshly brewed coffee has 5 cals and a grande iced freshly brewed coffee has... 90 CALORIES!!!!!!
='(
when i found out... i could have died

So I have gone over my 300 limit for the day by: 156 calories
=(=(=(
kill me now please?

UGH
I am such a failure
and i still have dinner to go...
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

stay strong
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Idea !

2009-05-06T19:20:48Z

I have decided
that for self-motivation
and so that I stick to ABC
every day, l am going to make a diet plan for the next day
sticking to the number of calories I am allowed per day.
and then, at the end of the day
i'll post about how well/badly i've done and what i need to do to make up for it =)

so here goes:
Diet Plan for 7th May 2009
Calorie limit: 300
Day 3 of ABC diet =D
Breakfast:
- tea, black with lemon 2 cups (2 cals)
10 minutes later
- 1/2 apple (35 cals)
- 3 grapes (9 cals)
total: 46 cals
Lunch:
-- =)
snacks:
- tall coffee light frappuccino from Starbucks (91 cals)
dinner:
- 1/2 tin Heinz Tomato Soup (86 cals)

Total for day: 223 calories

comments appreciated =) motivation always helps 0=)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thinspo bingee =)

2009-05-05T10:42:35Z

stay strong thin=beautiful ♥

Today is a day for a rant... =)

2009-05-05T10:36:05Z

Sorry, this is necessary.
These are all my problems in one post =(

1. My Parents
I am very very fat =(
look below for stats.
My mom is a skinny bitch. She's a size four! She weighs like 110. Which is more than i would like to way but less than I way. Which is wrong. Mom's shouldn't be skinnier than their daughters! It's not fair. And every now and again she comments on my thighs or my stomach. For instance, yesterday she goes.. "Jasmine, you're getting a bit of a stomach there...." and im sitting her like WTF WOMAN? I just shake it off at the time but it cuts me deep =( I mean, does she want this for me or something? Doesn't she know she's triggering? UGH I don't know what to do about her. And when she says that, she makes me want to cry and just cut all the fat off my body that I don't want. And it takes all my effort to convince myself that that is NOT what I want to do at the moment =(

And my parents are so FOODY! It's hell! Complete hell!!! My dad makes soo much food for dinner. And i used to eat it all. Hence the fatness of me =( And whenever now I don't eat a lot they think I'm ill. And I'm not! Ugh! And I don't wanna hurt my parents by doing this but it means a lot to me =(. So i try to eat in front of them but then i purge. But they make me clear up so i wait too long to purge, so then it doesn't help =( Don't they understand how much they hurt me by doing this?

2. My Friends
ALL of my friends are skinnier than me. My best friend is a size 00. How unfair is THAT? And she sits in front of me and eats and eats and eats and stays a size 00 and stays a size 00. Doesn't she know it's killing me? And then she COMPLAINS! Yes! Complains! She goes on and on about how skinny isn't beautiful and that because she's skinny she has no boobs. And I'm just like "Dude.... Fuck off" SHE DOES NOT GET IT SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT I WOULD KILL TO BE HER SIZE!!! Plus! she's got the nicest boyfriend, and she SO doesn't appreciate him like AT ALL! Ugh. She's just like He's to clingy He's too soppy! and I'm like shit dude can you not see what you have and how lucky you are. and the worst thing? she won't break up with him cause then she won't have a boyfriend. she's staying with him so that she can have someone!!!! It's so unfair on him! and he so doesn't deserve it! and like a couple weeks ago we went to some club. and I'm single and i got off with this guy and she goes..."I'm so jealous of you. I miss being able to go and get off with like 3 guys in one night... i mean i like that i have a boyf, but i want to be able to be fling-y.

I'm just like DUDE YOU CANT HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO (although she so could and she wouldn't put on ANY weight (but that's another matter.))

...

2009-05-04T13:29:15Z

I found inspiration.

On youtube.
Search for thinspo 1 - 9

I had 300 calories already today!
=(

Mainly because i have to eat in front of my parents.

I ate pineapple and dry corn flakes and black tea at 11:30
and
Soup and two small slices of bread at 1:00

I've had 3 glasses of ice water
SO i burnt about 20

So thats in total 280 calories.
My limit for the day is 200
I'll go for a run.

But I'm so determined.
I will be thin and beautiful and perfect.
I will stay strong.

loveeeeeee
<3

Writer's Block: How'd You Get Here?

2009-05-04T13:10:53Z

There are many roads to LiveJournal—how did you first hear about LJ?

View 500 Answers

Researching anorexia online.
Pro anorexia
Help.

Came across the LJ communities for anorexia.
and joined.

=)

<3

2009-05-04T12:34:43Z

This is my challenge.
I will get there.
I will be t h i n

Hello

2009-05-03T21:34:16Z

Today was a bad day for me.
I am so fat. 125lb
If i had £125 i would be rich.
Ugh
Tomorrow's food:
dry cornflakes and black tea = 70 cals
cold soup = 100 cals
diet coke = 2 cals

dinner will be hard.
Hmph

i binged today =(
on a picnic
i ate
baguette
crisps
falafels
cookies

='(
tomorrow will be better
loveeeeeeeeee